I recently had the honor of baptizing one of my best friends, a Chinese girl, into Christ. It was honestly the most meaningful thing I’ve ever done. She now calls me “brother.” I love her deeply as a friend and sister in Christ.

The events surrounding this moment have brought to the fore paradoxical aspects of my character I’ve been struggling with since my early college years. I was a left wing activist type before I became identitarian, and my transformation only resulted after I realized the Cultural Marxist New Left lies about racial egalitarianism and gender identity were immoral affronts against the truth.

Maybe my heart is still leftist and globalist.

My life has often been contradictory. In high school, I believed in traditional Christian gender identity but spent the majority of my social time with homosexuals in the theater department. I was among the only strong Christians in the school, but had more gay friends than almost anyone I knew.

Currently, I’m a missional English teacher in China working with the local church. My two best friends are an atheist Chinese girl and a Muslim Pakistani foreign student. How can this be reconciled with my ideological and online identity as an opponent of immigration and diversity?

We live in a globalized world, and God has blessed me with the ability to travel and given me diverse friends to love. He’s also given me a passion for the truth and an interest in social sciences and history that led me to embrace identitarianism.

The world is messy and filled with paradoxical arrangements and contradictory people (I count myself among them). When I read the Gospels, I sense paradox in Jesus’s life. He passionately defended the Mosaic Law and called for extreme piety and moralism (“if your right hand offends you cut it off”), but when an adulterous women was brought to him he found a kind of loophole allowing her to be saved from execution. The paradox of mercy verses morality and justice.

I have not found a good way to reconcile the inconsistencies in my own life. Sometimes, when I feel overwhelming emotions I have to violate the ideological strictures I hold inside my head. If I didn’t, I couldn’t live with myself.

As cheesy as it sounds, love must be the supreme guide in this modern unstable deracinated world. We can’t neglect the people God places in front of us, no matter how diverse they may be, in hopes of willing an ethno-state into existence. History is God’s domain, and he can save the white race regardless of what we do or say. I’m not suggesting we stop preaching the truth, God demands we continue, but I am suggesting a recognition and acceptance of the contradictions in our lives (or, at least, my life).